The end is near

I still remember the first day of medical school.

We were all sitting in the lecture hall, waiting for one of the newly graduated doctors from our university to give us a talk, to inspire us for the long years ahead. And boy, were we in for a great shock.

He came in, and immediately my first thought was "a**hole." He kept telling us about how our dreams of helping people as the reason to become a doctor is bullshit. How a group of doctors brought harm to a patient because they couldnt remember the dose to reverse an opiate overdose. How you will end up bringing more harm to your patients in the future. How you must study hard for the sake of your patients.

And I went away feeling discouraged. But I thought "it couldn't be that bad." How I wish I spoke to him earlier.

And now, I am gonna be that a**hole.

I never used to struggle in med school. I studied and felt stressed but I have always felt that I could pass. Sometimes better than others. Sometimes not. But I knew what it takes to pass. Then, things started to change a little. The harder I tried, the worst it gets. And this went on for awhile. I got discouraged. I lost my motivation. I became withdrawn. I got worried, I felt stressed, all I could think of is to graduate. To get this over with.

But it is never over in medicine. Even in internships/housemanships, you are being evaluated. People do fail, people dont do so well. It could be luck, it could be something that you haven't seen in a long time, it could be you just don't know.

Then I realized. This is what medicine is all about.

Medicine is about failing. You may be a genius, but you are bound to fail some point in your studies/career. The earlier you get this in your head, the easier your fall (but the fall is never easy). The most brilliant of doctors, the ones that I would trust in an emergency, they have made mistakes. Dire mistakes that kill. Mistakes that has cost someone's life.

And that's what I think makes a good doctor. Someone who makes mistakes and able to pick themselves up and to learn from it. Someone who will probably make more mistakes in the future. You will sad, you will feel worthless, you will feel stupid, you will doubt yourself - that you should have never done medicine.

And then you get over it. It will always hold a place in your mind, in your heart. You feel depressed for a few weeks. Then you push it to the back of your mind.

And you get back to work.

A good doctor is not just a genius, a knowledgeable experienced physician. A good doctor is someone who is able to deal with immense and multiple failures. Never-ending failures. And the emotional strength to pick up the pieces. To continue to work hard. To believe in yourself.

If you cant' deal with failure, then don't be a doctor.
Don't be a doctor just to help people. Doctors spend 5 minutes a day with a patient. Most of the time, you cant remember the patient or even what's wrong with him/her.
Be a volunteer, a missionary, a philanthropist.

Most of the time, doctors end up being "jerks," bitter and cynical.